Just Grace.

I’m writing this because I feel like I owe a lot of people an explanation. I have been very distant and depressed lately, emotionally drained, and spiritually dead. Let me start off by saying I have an extremely strong personality. I like being in control. I’m the one who when their friend is hurting is the first to ask who I need to beat up. I’m the one who sees the problem and immediately searches for a solution. I blame myself for any possible hurting of anyone remotely involved with me. I believe in justice in a life that’s not fair. I feel very deeply; I relate very passionately; I hope fervently. I don’t trust anything or anyone outside of myself. I hurt people… because hurting people hurt people. I am contentedly a sinner and even more happily forgiven. I know without a shadow of a doubt I am only here by grace. Over the past few days I have come to understand grace in a whole new way. I always saw grace as sort of set aside for the “real” sinners. You know the ones that people look at and say, “Wow, they need Jesus!” To limit grace like that would be doing the world an injustice. Grace is not only for the hurting, but also for those that hurt them. Grace is not only for the judged, but also for the judging. Grace is not only for the proud, but also for the humble. Grace is not only for the helpless, but also for the secure. Grace is not only for the sick, but also for the healthy. See, grace isn’t about what we give; grace is about what was given to us. How we respond to others isn’t our grace; it’s simply the overflowing of God’s grace. I have been so angry and tormented by the plastic, fake, false holiness I continually come in contact with all while being just as plastic myself. I am broken. I am afraid of what others think. I am human to my core and I lose battles with Satan every single damn day of my life. You know what, I think I’m ok with that. I don’t want to be whole. I can reach more people if I am broken. I can’t fix everything. I can’t change the world. I can change myself, and maybe just maybe I can change my corner of the world. You want to be free? You want grace? Here I am-(972)816-6710

Truth

I just want everything to be ok
To not have to worry about tomorrows and yesterdays
I want to fight for love and justice and freedom
People just seem to think they don’t need them

People fear what they don’t understand
And I’m just a stranger in this land
I have different priorities
Yet somehow all they see is depravity

I find solace within myself
And with knowing that they’re the ones missing out
Trying to get them to understand
Is just building castles in the sand

It’s so much harder fighting for honesty
Now that we live in a world of hypocrisy
Just because you don’t like the truth
Doesn’t mean you can escape your lie’s noose

Like music announces the ice cream truck
So your cries tell me you’re stuck
Too bad, you should’ve listened to me
The truth always sets you free

It Takes More Than Ears to Hear

You ask me how I feel
But are you really listening
You ask me to be real
While your plastic face is glistening

It takes more than ears to hear
It takes more than eyes to see
To see what causes my fear
Your self must cease to be

I can’t run
I can’t hide
So I choose to be alone
And hide my pain inside

You can never understand
Why I hide away
You can’t see who I am
Because you cause the pain

I’m tired of trying
I’m tired of wanting
I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of saying nothing

It takes more than ears to hear
It takes more than eyes to see
To stop the flowing tears
Your self must cease to be

WAIT! NO! AHHHHH!

This weekend was a rough one for me. Between work, school stress, and friend drama I was worn to the bone. Seeing this, one of my friends decided that he was going to cheer me up. So he gathered up my close group of friends and we all went to the park. Yes, that’s right, we went to the park… needless to say we’re all kid’s a heart. We brought sandwiches, played some sand volleyball, enjoyed some basketball, and eventually started playing with the slide and monkey bars. Now, this slide at the park is no ordinary slide… it is the mother of all slides. It’s so big that my friend Eric could slide down in sitting up. Well we were up at the top of the tower talking- him with his back to the slide, me leaned up against the tower wall. I got called down because my phone was ringing and Eric decided to stay there and wait for me. I finished up my phone conversation and am about to head back up when I hear Eric scream, “WAIT! NO! AHHHHHHH!” This was followed by a thump at the bottom of the slide and a burst of laughter from the top. I look over to see Eric gingerly getting up from his lumped over position at the bottom of the slide. Up at the top of the tower I see Matt who says, “Dude! You should never turn your back to a slide! Those things are dangerous!” Eric just rolled his eyes and swore Matt would regret that move. Eric looked at me and said, “Jess? What’s wrong? What are you thinking?” All I could say was, “Hello, Jesus.” I’d been fighting God all week… well really all year. He’s been telling me to go down the slide and my only response to Him was, “well, it’s a long way down and it’s kinda scary… I don’t want to.” Every day he nudges me a little bit closer to the slide and I say “no” a little bit louder each time. Well this weekend he pushed me down it. The world could hear my scream of, “WAIT! NO! AHHHHH!” as I slid down. Then as I pull myself up from the bumpy trip and look up confused at God He just says, “Don’t you know? Never turn your back on my slide.” Ha, I love how God can use a prank between my guy friends to make my focus shift back to Him. Hello, Jesus.

3.26.08

I hate expectations. I hate being boxed in by what people think I should be. What do you want from me? You expect me to be strong and just move on like everything’s ok? Well it’s not ok. I’m not strong. Death affects a person in ways you could never imagine. Knowing that one day she was hugging me and telling me that she was praying for my safe trip and the next she’s laying in the morgue hurts me. Knowing that I was 10 hours away when I should have been in that hospital tears me up inside. Realizing that there is no one else on this planet who will understand me like she did; who can read me like she could; who will fight for me like she did- that’s incredibly heart dropping. Every time I help someone with a math problem or see a Nolan Ryan picture or even eat at Subway, I think of her. Do you have any idea how impacting those feelings are? I’m tired of people telling me that she’d want me to be happy or that it’s time to move on! It’s not that easy! I wish it was… oh, I wish it was. I don’t want the attention it brings when I’m hurting. I don’t want the world to know that I could ever care about a person that deeply- but I can’t hide that. I don’t want your pity; I just want to be allowed to hurt. I want to be allowed to still cry when I think about her. I want to still be able to wish she was here to be proud of me. I want to be able to be vulnerable. Just this once. Just let me cry over this one thing. I can’t express how I feel with my words or explain to you why the smallest things bring me to tears. I just can’t. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. That doesn’t mean I can just flip a switch and be ok. That’s just now how it works. I’m sorry.

All We Need Is Love, Love Is All We Need

Time for a life reevaluation… that seems to be happening a lot lately. The current question in my mind is- what is worth fighting for? Growing up I was always very aggressive and, well, I tended to get in fights. It came mainly from the bitterness that I had stored up against people in general from being made fun of and towards my parents for making me move schools. I have always been a tomboy and having all guy cousins didn’t help my aggressive nature one bit. My initial reaction towards problems was anger. I can remember one distinct moment at the sixth grade Christmas party. One of the boys was making fun of my friend. I could tell it was hurting her and I knew that she wouldn’t stand up to him… so I did. I grabbed him by the collar, pinned him up against the wall, and probably would have started beating the crap out of him had the teacher not stepped in. That’s just my nature. I take up for the weak because I know what it feels like to be weak. I’ll admit, attempting to beat the crap out of that kid probably wasn’t the best way to handle that situation, but it did get the point across to leave my friends alone. So what separates what I did from Jesus flipping the temple tables over? What are the things worth getting angry over? When can we flip tables? I’m going to have to say nothing. Radical, I know. Here’s the thing, Jesus was perfect. We are not. Jesus could flip tables and get angry with completely pure intentions in his heart. I don’t think we as human beings can do that. I think there is always I shred of bitterness in our heart when we get angry. I’m not by any means saying that I don’t get angry, oh no! I’m one of the worst. I fight daily with my self-control issues and heart’s detour towards anger. It’s still wrong. How do we spark change then? One word- love. One of my favorite Martin Luther King quotes is, “Darkness cannot conquer darkness, only light can do that; hate with never conquer hate, only love can do that.” The word “love” is mentioned 697 times in the Bible! I’m thinking that makes it pretty important! If people see us respond to our problems and pain with love how different would the world be? How much change could we spark? How many more of our conflicts would be resolved? Just simply by shifting our response to love instead of hate. I think our perspective on life as a whole would radically alter. Love has a way of changing things in extreme ways- perspective, attitudes, actions, and purpose. Let our life’s purpose be to touch everyone that walks into our lives with love. Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.

Aroma Therapy

I tend to be a pessimist in nature. Due to that, I struggle with depression on a regular basis. Somehow I always find some way that my life isn’t quite right. The struggle is harder when I’m all alone in silence. I think it’s because when I’m working a lot and my life is constantly in motion I don’t have time to pick apart every piece of my life. This weekend my roommate was out of town and I only worked until 1 on Saturday. Can you say hello depression central? I found myself sitting in my room and missing my family and friends. For some reason a wave of homesickness crashed over me. I grabbed my covers and snuggled deep into my bed. I have this electric blanket that a friend of mine gave me, and due to my cold naturedness it’s always on my bed. When I pulled the covers over my head; I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down. With that breath the smell from the blanket filled my nose. It smelled just like my friends house and almost instantly I felt at home again. It’s amazing what one aroma can do. Have you ever seen those aroma therapy candles? Different scents are supposed to spark different emotions. They have a scent for everything- happiness, relaxation, sensuality, peace. Aroma has a lot of power. In 2 Corinthians it says that, to God, we are an aroma of Christ among the saved and unsaved. The Bible also says that our attitude is the aroma of our heart. I have to admit… my heart smells like crap. I definitely haven’t been giving off the aroma of Christ nor has my attitude been one that gives off a pleasant smell either. So how do I fix it? Do they make little air fresheners that I can hang on the rear view mirror of my heart? I think it’s a little bit more like my blanket. My blanket smells like my friends house because it sat in her house for forever. Maybe if I leave my heart in Christ’s hands it will gradually begin to smell like him.

Prettiest Girl At The Ball

Growing up, I wasn’t one of those little girls obsessed with the princess stories and ball gowns. I would rather go climb a tree or play football with my cousins then sit down and watch girls in pretty dresses. Even so, I found that I learned something from those stories. Remember the Cinderella story? She’s this poor girl, dressed in rags, and stuck being a maid to her evil step-mother and sisters. Then the price is holding a ball to find his wife. So her fairy god-mother comes and transforms her into this beautiful princess so she can go to the ball. There is just one itsy bitsy problem… the magic only lasts until midnight. Sometimes I feel that way. Like when I’m with certain people, actually pretty much all people, that I have covered my rags with fake elegance. Eventually though, the elegance fades away and I’m left running from the ones I love, afraid to let them see my plainness. Reality for me has always been something I try to mask. I find it very hard to be real with anyone. It’s not always because I want to be liked by everyone. Sometimes it’s because I want to be taken seriously and the more I watch the world move around me the more I realize that people wearing rags of weakness and vulnerability are often tossed to the side. Until now I’ve been complete content in my mask. I think the clock just struck midnight though. I don’t think I can be comfortable anymore. Recently, I’ve felt like God has been pushing me towards something. I’m not sure exactly what yet, but definitely to something less comfortable than hiding my rags. A friend of mine sent me a text today with lyrics from a song. “We were meant to live for so much more; have we lost ourselves?” I thought about those words the rest of the drive back to college. I was meant to live for so much more than where I am now. Sometimes in order to find satisfaction you have to give up things. To find your real purpose you have to forsake the shattered life you’re trying to hold together. We were meant to live for SO much more! I believe that; I have to believe that. At the end of the Cinderella story the prince sees her for who she really is and something amazing happens… he loves her just as much. Life never does turn out exactly how we expect it to.

Vine and Branches

God is really amazing to me. I think it’s funny, the circumstances he chooses to use to show himself. Last night a very good friend of mine was rushed to the hospital. He went into shock after having an allergic reaction of some sort. His girlfriend called me in emotional distress and confusion not knowing exactly who to call or what to do about the whole situation. To really understand how much God was working here you have to know some of the background of these two people’s lives. Todd, the one being rushed to the hospital, is an amazing man of God. He’s in the small group that I lead at the college. I was one of the first people to start coming and his non-traditional worship style got us kicked out of the dorms. His parents died in a car accident while he was in high school so he’s grown up pretty much on his own. His dad was a lawyer, and since Todd is an only child he inherited all of his family’s money; something you would never know unless you really got to know Todd. His passion is kids. He wants to be a foster parent and help get kids out of the system. He volunteers at orphanages over the summer; he just loves kids. I think the only thing he loves more than kids is his girlfriend, Angelia. Angie and Todd have been together for going on 3 years now and he would like nothing more than to marry her. There is just one problem. Angie was saved when she was very young, but when her grandmother died last year she started hating God. She has so much bitterness and anger towards him that she won’t have anything to do with him. Todd has talked to me about her and how much he wishes he could get through to her. He told me that he prays everyday for the opportunity to talk to her more about the love and grace of God that she has forsaken. I told him to be careful what he prays for. He didn’t listen. God decided to use his hospital extravaganza. When Angie called me the first time it took me a while to get her settled down and she was waiting to hear back from the doctors. I got off the phone and told her to call me when they figured out exactly what happened. Within the time that I hung up the phone the first time and she called me back the second time; a prayer net of over 200 people was created. When she called me back I told her how many people were praying for her and Todd. She couldn’t believe how many people that she didn’t even know would pray for her and her boyfriend. Not only that but she began to open up to me. We talked for quite a while about her and Todd and at the end of the conversation told me how much she appreciated me dropping everything just to talk to her. She couldn’t understand why I would do that. I told her that we are a body of believers and we take care of each other. When Todd called me this morning all he wanted to talk about was the door that was opened for Angie. I told him, “See I told you to be careful! God doesn’t always answer prayers the way we think he will!” All he could do was laugh; his faith just baffles me. This situation brings me back to a verse that the youth were looking at last night. It talks about how Christ is the vine and we are the branches. The more I think about that verse the more it come to light that as branches we are connected to the vine that is Christ but also, through Christ, we are connected to the other branches. That’s why so many people joined me in prayer for my friends; we were created to share each other’s burdens and experiences. We were created for community.






John 15:5-8 (The Message)
I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you

Be Near, Oh God

It’s a new year and I’ve made a resolution. Well it’s not a really a resolution; I never really understood the point of a resolution. It’s more like a new focus. This past year the one thing that I’ve been in a constant struggle with is my relationships. I tend to “inhale with great force” at relationships and I’ve never really understood why. I mean I pretty much put everything into my relationships. The way I show people that I care about them is by investing my time, heart, and service to them. So you can see why it always surprised me when my relationships fell apart. Being at college and away from all the friends I’ve ever know or had has not helped out my relationship issues one bit. It frustrates me and I find myself falling apart because of it. After being home and having some down time to slow down and reflect, I’ve discovered the reason behind my failure at friendships. The problem is rooted not in my relationships with other people but rather in my relationship with God. I’ve strayed away from him quite a bit. See, I got a little frustrated with him and pulled away from his embrace. I’m beginning to realize that if I don’t get my relationship with God straight then the rest of my relationships will follow that pattern. Jesus is the center and everything else flows out from that. So, how exactly do I fix my relationship with God? I think it actually requires me taking more of a passive role, because every time I attempt to control the situation I push God out of his place and mess everything up. I have to be willing to let go. I have to do the opposite of what I naturally want to do. I give up; I allow for weakness; I ditch fear; I follow instead of lead; I make mistakes; I become humble. Humility is what it really comes down to in the end. Humbly coming before Christ, everyday, and acknowledging my inadequacy. It is a constant refocusing of my eyes onto Him and away from me. I think that might mean that I lose some things in the search for Him, but I think I’m ok with that. I will wake every morning with one prayer- Be near, oh God, Be near, oh God of us; Your nearness is to us our good. Be near, oh God, Be near, oh God of us; your nearness is to us our good, our good.

The Land of The Free and The Home of The Selfish

Today I experienced something very new and eye opening. Today is the day after Thanksgiving which means that it’s “Black Friday,” I just discovered why people call it that. I woke up at 4:30, yes in the morning, to go with my mom to Walmart in search of Christmas presents. Why, you might ask, did I decide to take on this clearly insane task? Well, I wasn’t quite sure at first myself but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it’s one of those life-threatening things kind of like bungee jumping or sky diving that you have to experience at least once before you die. Anyway, we arrived at Walmart about ten minutes before 5 and the parking lot was, needless to say, completely packed. I walked in to see a very bizarre sight. All around the store were strategically placed pallets full of electronics, toys, cookware, and just about any other needless thing you could think of. Surrounding these pallets were herds, yes herds because they were more animal like then human, of people waiting until the precise moment at which they could pounce on their new found boxes of fleeting happiness. The moment that the Walmart sales associate came by and gave them the “OK” to go, the hoard sprung into action; yelling, grabbing, clawing, elbowing, and cursing their way to fill their baskets with more and more stuff. I stood and watched in utter amazement. How spoiled we are! I’ve seen children in Mexico act the same way over food; you know, the stuff that keeps them alive, and here we are fighting over another TV to add to the three already in our homes or another gaming system because ours is “SO outdated.” It’s sad really. People angrily shuffled out of line when they didn’t get exactly what they came for in the time period they have set aside. I couldn’t help but find myself getting frustrated. It appalls me that we are so selfish! No wonder other countries see us Americans as selfish, stuck-up, stiff-necked, arrogant people… it’s what we are! We wonder why America is in an economic crisis but you wouldn’t know it if you had walked into Walmart today. It seems as though we still have enough money to spend on more stuff to clutter up our huge houses with hot and cold running water and indoor plumbing. We will complain about how the government is doing nothing to fix this problem but at the same time we’re out to lunch charging it to our credit cards and racking up more and more debt. The problem isn’t our country; the problem is our citizens. I think that if every American citizen spent a week living at an orphanage in a foreign country there would be no economic crisis. I think that if we actually got it through our thick skulls how privileged we are we might actually do something for someone other than ourselves. We say “God bless America” but in all actuality I think He looks down on us, sheds a tear, and says, “I was hungry but you did not feed me; I was naked but you did not clothe me; I was sick but you did not help me.”

I Hope To Be This Passionate

Dangerous Worship

Today I found myself being absolutely contrary to character. I grew up in the Independent Baptist Church; not to be confused with Southern Baptist or Missionary Baptist, of course. Basically, the Independents are what I like to call the “ultra-Baptists” and definitely the most conservative. When it came to worship you sat and/or stood in your pew, hymnal open to the appropriate stanza of Victory in Jesus, body completely still, singing ever so “joyfully” the song in front of you. Me being a kind of hyperactive child, never really like that too much, but it was the mindset with which I was raised. Naturally, that stayed with me even after entering a church as contemporary as encounter. I remember people think I was crazy just bouncing up and down to the music and I even found myself questioning if that really was worship. I never really was one to raise my hands or cry through the songs no matter how moving or powerful they really were. I was told over and over again how worship was “more than just feelings” and how it was supposed to be a serious thing. Coming to college has changed my perspective. I have a group of people who don’t worship the “right way” at all. This is what our worship looks like:

There’s Todd in the middle of the room jumping up and down and singing at the top of his lungs, a smile spread almost as wide as his arms. I can almost picture him embracing God as he sings. Nick is over in the corner journaling his prayers or poetry. I can see him breathe in the music with every beat of the drum. Lesley is sprawled out on her stomach etching something in her sketchbook. Inspiration for her can come from the smallest snippet of a lyric. A few others have their heads bowed or hands raised and I am just silent, still trying to absorb the presence of God around me.

It’s funny to me that after experiencing that kind of worship you never want to go back to the stagnant, robot-like motions of church. I found myself feeling out of place at encounter today for the first time. We sang this song that has the most beautiful lyrics; I think it’s called Song of my Heart. I just felt something spark in me. Like the words had some how twingged a deep rooted passion in my soul and I had to get on my knees before God. I walked over the side of the room and did just that. Knees to the floor, back straight, and arms outstretched as wide as they could go, I feel the rush of God spirit fill the air. After the song I stayed right where I was. I sat on the floor with my back against the wall for the whole message. I wish you could have seen some of the looks I got from people. I could feel their laughter, as if I was some silly child not knowing anything about what I was doing, simply hungry for attention. Let me tell you something friends, if I wanted attention I would have marched myself up to the center of the chairs and fell flat on my face in “worship.” You can call it what you want but the fact of the matter is my worship isn’t about you or for you any more than it is me; my worship is for the God that inspired the very lyrics I am moved by. You can call it feelings or adolescence or counterfeit faith all you want. What it comes down to is that it makes you uncomfortable. It’s dangerous to your view of worship. Good. I hope it makes you squirm a little. I hope it becomes the catalyst for change in your heart. I hope you can come to the point of authenticity and vulnerability before your God. My hearts desire is that when you see me worship you say to yourself, “Wow, God is good.”

Muddy Me

I inhale with great force at relationships. I really do. Some how I find a way of messing up what I’ve worked so hard to build. It comes from being human I think, but I can blame it all on humanness. The fact of the matter is… I’m messed up. I’m broken. I’m very self-focused. I’m independent and hard headed. I’m withheld with feelings. I don’t trust easily. I’m constantly looking for some way that someone has betrayed my trust because I’m pessimistic. I lash out when I’m stressed because I don’t know how to handle it. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t think before I speak. I’m a fighter more than a lover and, yes, I know it’s wrong. I have a quick tongue and a slow heart. I’m a horrible person. I know. I want all my friends to know that too. I think some people expect perfection or for everything to go right. They expect never to get in a fight or have an argument and when it happens they walk away from the relationship entirely. I want everyone to know how much that hurts. As messy as I am, as much as I deserve it, it still hurts. I know I mess up and I know it takes me a while to apologize, but hey, I’m not perfect. This is written to apologize to every friend I’ve ever hurt, every relationship I’ve every destructed, every person I’ve ever yelled at, and every heart I’ve ever crushed. I am truly sorry. I’ve come to realize more and more all my faults. I do have a lot. I’m not sure exactly why any of you ever put up with me but for those of you who still do- thank you. I want to share my dreams, hopes, passions, worries, doubts, and fears with you but I’m slow to trust. Thanks for being patient. God is still working on me; everyday he is renovating a new piece of my heart. I have faith that one day you might not have to use quite as much forbearance with me. All of you who read this are my friends and I would go to the end of the world and back for you, believe that. If one day you find yourself needing something at the top of the mountain believe me I will be there helping you climb it. I will give as much as you will take and please never stop pushing me to be a better person. When Christ looks down on me I know he sees a muddy child desperately in need of a cleaning. True to his nature, a little mud won’t stop Him from loving me and embracing me and seeing me as his beautiful child. Take heart my friends- it’s bath time.

Preciado

Just for the record I am completely in love with the Spanish language. It has so much more feeling and meaning than English does. I came across this word “preciado” which you would think would mean “precious.” No no no, It means so much more than that. It means “prized or valued.” Cool, yes? Let’s take this a step further. When I was growing up I learned the song Jesus Loves the Little Children. Pretty much everyone learned that song, it’s a Sunday school favorite. So in this song there is a line, “red and yellow, black and white they are precious in His sight.” To me that song has such a deep meaning now that I know how to sing it in Spanish. To God we are more than just precious we are prized and valued. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. She struggles with wanting others approval and, well, just wanting to be liked. I think it’s something we all struggle with at times, especially girls. Here’s the thing, people are stupid. They like some people and don’t like others, and it’s pretty much for no reason, just because that’s the way they work. People can be rude and heartless and could sometimes care less about how you feel about being left out. People are messed up. Want to know the good news? God loves us. We are his prized and valued children and he does indeed care about you. He will always accept you, hold you, hang out with you, understand you, and treasure you. You don’t have to worry about finding value anywhere else because in Him you are at your height of beauty and aptitude. Take heart in knowing that every day He looks down on you as he holds you in His arms and says to you in all languages, “Te amo, mi preciado.”

Growing Up and Letting Go

Growing up and shrinking down
Shrinking into a shell so as not to be found
So that I may find myself and be free
Freedom in the end is what I so desperately need

Sometimes the hardest part of growing up is letting go
Letting go, of control
Simply placing one foot in front of the other
Making sure my umbrella is out in stormy weather

I find peace more and more
In falling short
Short of others’ measure
Instead listening to the small voice that calls me “Treasured”

Never ceasing to stand up for what’s right
To constantly fight
The battle of purity
And eternal security

Making decisions of my own
Not by parent remote control
Leaving the nest
And looking to God for the rest

Just cut the strings
And spreading my wings
Flying no more
Learning to soar

Finding my power in weakness
Knowing that Satan is relentless
Remembering that God’s in control
And just letting go

Bring A Towel...

I’m curious as to the thought process behind people who say one thing and do another. I’m not sure if they do it purposefully or they are just that ignorant to how much it hurts others around them. I’ve seen a lot of hypocrisy, sadly from growing up in the church, and it never ceases to baffle me how they think it’s ok. It irritates me more than I will ever be able to put down on paper. I understand that it’s hard being vulnerable, really I do. It’s my biggest weakness, but there is a difference between putting up a wall and lying to those around you. I rather be shut out completely than told a lie and get caught believing it, only to find out that it was all a muse in the first place. Show you’re weakness! Be human! It’s not that bad; I will respect you so much more. Messiness is part of being a human. It’s going to happen if you’re passionately following Christ. See, because if you run long enough, far enough, with enough passion, on a rocky road, you are eventually going to trip and get scraped up a little bit. Falling is ok! Jesus loved the messy! Think about who he hung out with on a regular basis… the sinners. The religious guys hated it. Jesus didn’t care he loved them because they were his. Don’t you see? That’s what it’s all about- HIM! Being a wonderfully crafted beautiful creation of Christ is not about being perfect at all. It’s about embracing your messiness, grabbing a handful of paper towels, and taking off at full speed after Christ. I hope you do trip up sometimes too, because every strawberry on your leg will remind you of how imperfect you really are and how much more you must rely on Christ. He’s the janitor that comes in and cleans up after you laughing all the way and saying to you, “O you messy, messy child, I love to watch you grow.” Be a messy mistake maker. Don’t worry, I’ll bring a towel.

You Make It Real

So if any of you have been keeping up with me you know that college has been somewhat of an amusement park. I’ve had the ups and downs of the roller coaster and the heart in your throat moments of the massive superman like rides. I’ve even felt the slow suspended meaningful moments of the ferris wheel. On every ride I’ve seen Jesus pop up in the most unexpected places. I see him more frequently as my college experience continues. I’m a big music person and I’m constantly discovering new songs to fall in love with. I heard a new song the other day that I really like. It’s not a Christian song, if fact, I’m pretty sure it was written about a girl but I think it expresses how I feel about Christ at this point in my life.

There's so much craziness surrounding me
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
All my faith has gone you bring it back to me
You make it real for me

Well I'm not sure of my priorities
I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me
You make it real for me
And I'm running to you
Cause you are the only one who save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong but my heart is weak
I'm full of hurricanes and uncertainty
But I can find the wordsYou teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me yea
And I’m running to you
You are the only one who save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

Everybody’s talking in words
I don't understand
You got to be the only one
Who knows just who I am
And you shine in the distance
I hope I can make it through
Cause the only place
That I want to be
Is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more
I have to learn
But if you're here with me
I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere,
Somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I’m running to you baby
Cause you are the only one who save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

He really should be the one we run to, the one who makes everything real. I think it’s cool how a song can say that without even meaning to. It reminds me that God is in everything. We don’t have to invite Jesus to out life parties for him to show up. No fear or failure playing bouncer will ever be able to keep him out. He’s always somewhere we can run; He always understands; and He will always be completely real and consistent. It gives me hope that no matter what ride I decided to get on in life’s amusement park, Christ will always be the one at the controls.

Baggy Sweatshirt and Pringles

Why is it so hard to be real with people? Everyone hides in some way, right? I mean you pretend to be tough because you’re afraid of getting hurt, or you pretend to be vain because you really do hate how you look. I think people are just afraid of others finding out who they really are. We live in a world where we are constantly told that we are not good enough. It is forever shaping us to be self haters and mask wearers. It has focused are view on the exact opposite of where God wants it. See, God sees us as beautifully created children of purpose. He doesn’t make mistakes. We are wonderfully made and when we cover that we cover God’s handiwork. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I don’t see myself as necessarily beautiful by the world’s standards. Sometimes I feel as if I have to cover who I am so that others accept me. It manifests itself in many ways. Some days I run my straightener through my hair hoping if I get it just right it might distract from my other faults. I laugh at jokes I don’t think are funny just to fit in. There are even times I’ve acted mean just to cover the pain I was feeling. It’s funny, I thought I would fall back into that once I got to college, but I find myself being more and more confident in who I am. Today a friend of mine randomly showed up at my door. I was pretty much completely unprepared. I had my basketball pants on, and, due to the fact that it’s freezing in my room, was snuggled in my biggest, baggiest, warmest sweatshirt. She was just coming by to talk and maybe worship a little. We popped open a can of Pringles and sat around talking about life. I found myself being completely open and honest with her. I wasn’t worried about her judging me or her think I was a loser; we even got to worship together. I found out that Jesus doesn’t really care what you look like when you come before Him- He really only cares about your heart. Jesus is just funny that way I guess. He’s pretty proud of that which He has created. I think that we as the creation should be content in who we are and work on conforming our hearts to his image. I think everyday should be a baggy sweatshirt and Pringles day.





Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Fighting the Joy Robbers

Today was a very rough day. I’ve been so, I don’t even know, drained from every area. Emotionally I’m somewhere between insanity and insecurity. Physically I feel like I could collapse at any moment. Spiritually I am so far from the place God wants me to be I can’t even see what direction I’m supposed to go anymore. I guess today was the snapping point on my rubber band like life. I just don’t understand things anymore. Maybe it’s just that I grew up around people with regard for respect, work ethic, and common sense. Although all this is true, there is another truth; one that I can’t change as much as I want to. I can’t control any of this. I can’t be the one in authority or the one who serves the justice. There is, however, one thing I can control; how much joy I allow to be stolen from me. Any joy that is taken from me is only by my permission. When I place hope in something that may or may not be here tomorrow I put my joy in a place that is easy to steal from. It’s like leaving a tray of brownies in a high school classroom unattended- it won’t last long. When I place my hope in Christ my joy is in His hands. That means- God’s in control. Scary, huh? I’ve never been too great at that whole letting God be God thing. For some reason I tend to think I could do a better job, which I am reminded over and over again is not true. He’s a better God then me and that is definitely something to be joyful about.