Muddy Me

I inhale with great force at relationships. I really do. Some how I find a way of messing up what I’ve worked so hard to build. It comes from being human I think, but I can blame it all on humanness. The fact of the matter is… I’m messed up. I’m broken. I’m very self-focused. I’m independent and hard headed. I’m withheld with feelings. I don’t trust easily. I’m constantly looking for some way that someone has betrayed my trust because I’m pessimistic. I lash out when I’m stressed because I don’t know how to handle it. I say things I don’t mean because I don’t think before I speak. I’m a fighter more than a lover and, yes, I know it’s wrong. I have a quick tongue and a slow heart. I’m a horrible person. I know. I want all my friends to know that too. I think some people expect perfection or for everything to go right. They expect never to get in a fight or have an argument and when it happens they walk away from the relationship entirely. I want everyone to know how much that hurts. As messy as I am, as much as I deserve it, it still hurts. I know I mess up and I know it takes me a while to apologize, but hey, I’m not perfect. This is written to apologize to every friend I’ve ever hurt, every relationship I’ve every destructed, every person I’ve ever yelled at, and every heart I’ve ever crushed. I am truly sorry. I’ve come to realize more and more all my faults. I do have a lot. I’m not sure exactly why any of you ever put up with me but for those of you who still do- thank you. I want to share my dreams, hopes, passions, worries, doubts, and fears with you but I’m slow to trust. Thanks for being patient. God is still working on me; everyday he is renovating a new piece of my heart. I have faith that one day you might not have to use quite as much forbearance with me. All of you who read this are my friends and I would go to the end of the world and back for you, believe that. If one day you find yourself needing something at the top of the mountain believe me I will be there helping you climb it. I will give as much as you will take and please never stop pushing me to be a better person. When Christ looks down on me I know he sees a muddy child desperately in need of a cleaning. True to his nature, a little mud won’t stop Him from loving me and embracing me and seeing me as his beautiful child. Take heart my friends- it’s bath time.