Thursday, February 12, 2009
I hate expectations. I hate being boxed in by what people think I should be. What do you want from me? You expect me to be strong and just move on like everything’s ok? Well it’s not ok. I’m not strong. Death affects a person in ways you could never imagine. Knowing that one day she was hugging me and telling me that she was praying for my safe trip and the next she’s laying in the morgue hurts me. Knowing that I was 10 hours away when I should have been in that hospital tears me up inside. Realizing that there is no one else on this planet who will understand me like she did; who can read me like she could; who will fight for me like she did- that’s incredibly heart dropping. Every time I help someone with a math problem or see a Nolan Ryan picture or even eat at Subway, I think of her. Do you have any idea how impacting those feelings are? I’m tired of people telling me that she’d want me to be happy or that it’s time to move on! It’s not that easy! I wish it was… oh, I wish it was. I don’t want the attention it brings when I’m hurting. I don’t want the world to know that I could ever care about a person that deeply- but I can’t hide that. I don’t want your pity; I just want to be allowed to hurt. I want to be allowed to still cry when I think about her. I want to still be able to wish she was here to be proud of me. I want to be able to be vulnerable. Just this once. Just let me cry over this one thing. I can’t express how I feel with my words or explain to you why the smallest things bring me to tears. I just can’t. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. That doesn’t mean I can just flip a switch and be ok. That’s just now how it works. I’m sorry.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Time for a life reevaluation… that seems to be happening a lot lately. The current question in my mind is- what is worth fighting for? Growing up I was always very aggressive and, well, I tended to get in fights. It came mainly from the bitterness that I had stored up against people in general from being made fun of and towards my parents for making me move schools. I have always been a tomboy and having all guy cousins didn’t help my aggressive nature one bit. My initial reaction towards problems was anger. I can remember one distinct moment at the sixth grade Christmas party. One of the boys was making fun of my friend. I could tell it was hurting her and I knew that she wouldn’t stand up to him… so I did. I grabbed him by the collar, pinned him up against the wall, and probably would have started beating the crap out of him had the teacher not stepped in. That’s just my nature. I take up for the weak because I know what it feels like to be weak. I’ll admit, attempting to beat the crap out of that kid probably wasn’t the best way to handle that situation, but it did get the point across to leave my friends alone. So what separates what I did from Jesus flipping the temple tables over? What are the things worth getting angry over? When can we flip tables? I’m going to have to say nothing. Radical, I know. Here’s the thing, Jesus was perfect. We are not. Jesus could flip tables and get angry with completely pure intentions in his heart. I don’t think we as human beings can do that. I think there is always I shred of bitterness in our heart when we get angry. I’m not by any means saying that I don’t get angry, oh no! I’m one of the worst. I fight daily with my self-control issues and heart’s detour towards anger. It’s still wrong. How do we spark change then? One word- love. One of my favorite Martin Luther King quotes is, “Darkness cannot conquer darkness, only light can do that; hate with never conquer hate, only love can do that.” The word “love” is mentioned 697 times in the Bible! I’m thinking that makes it pretty important! If people see us respond to our problems and pain with love how different would the world be? How much change could we spark? How many more of our conflicts would be resolved? Just simply by shifting our response to love instead of hate. I think our perspective on life as a whole would radically alter. Love has a way of changing things in extreme ways- perspective, attitudes, actions, and purpose. Let our life’s purpose be to touch everyone that walks into our lives with love. Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.
Monday, February 2, 2009
I tend to be a pessimist in nature. Due to that, I struggle with depression on a regular basis. Somehow I always find some way that my life isn’t quite right. The struggle is harder when I’m all alone in silence. I think it’s because when I’m working a lot and my life is constantly in motion I don’t have time to pick apart every piece of my life. This weekend my roommate was out of town and I only worked until 1 on Saturday. Can you say hello depression central? I found myself sitting in my room and missing my family and friends. For some reason a wave of homesickness crashed over me. I grabbed my covers and snuggled deep into my bed. I have this electric blanket that a friend of mine gave me, and due to my cold naturedness it’s always on my bed. When I pulled the covers over my head; I took a deep breath to try and calm myself down. With that breath the smell from the blanket filled my nose. It smelled just like my friends house and almost instantly I felt at home again. It’s amazing what one aroma can do. Have you ever seen those aroma therapy candles? Different scents are supposed to spark different emotions. They have a scent for everything- happiness, relaxation, sensuality, peace. Aroma has a lot of power. In 2 Corinthians it says that, to God, we are an aroma of Christ among the saved and unsaved. The Bible also says that our attitude is the aroma of our heart. I have to admit… my heart smells like crap. I definitely haven’t been giving off the aroma of Christ nor has my attitude been one that gives off a pleasant smell either. So how do I fix it? Do they make little air fresheners that I can hang on the rear view mirror of my heart? I think it’s a little bit more like my blanket. My blanket smells like my friends house because it sat in her house for forever. Maybe if I leave my heart in Christ’s hands it will gradually begin to smell like him.