3.26.08

I hate expectations. I hate being boxed in by what people think I should be. What do you want from me? You expect me to be strong and just move on like everything’s ok? Well it’s not ok. I’m not strong. Death affects a person in ways you could never imagine. Knowing that one day she was hugging me and telling me that she was praying for my safe trip and the next she’s laying in the morgue hurts me. Knowing that I was 10 hours away when I should have been in that hospital tears me up inside. Realizing that there is no one else on this planet who will understand me like she did; who can read me like she could; who will fight for me like she did- that’s incredibly heart dropping. Every time I help someone with a math problem or see a Nolan Ryan picture or even eat at Subway, I think of her. Do you have any idea how impacting those feelings are? I’m tired of people telling me that she’d want me to be happy or that it’s time to move on! It’s not that easy! I wish it was… oh, I wish it was. I don’t want the attention it brings when I’m hurting. I don’t want the world to know that I could ever care about a person that deeply- but I can’t hide that. I don’t want your pity; I just want to be allowed to hurt. I want to be allowed to still cry when I think about her. I want to still be able to wish she was here to be proud of me. I want to be able to be vulnerable. Just this once. Just let me cry over this one thing. I can’t express how I feel with my words or explain to you why the smallest things bring me to tears. I just can’t. That doesn’t mean it isn’t real. That doesn’t mean I can just flip a switch and be ok. That’s just now how it works. I’m sorry.