Monday, June 15, 2009

Just Grace.

I’m writing this because I feel like I owe a lot of people an explanation. I have been very distant and depressed lately, emotionally drained, and spiritually dead. Let me start off by saying I have an extremely strong personality. I like being in control. I’m the one who when their friend is hurting is the first to ask who I need to beat up. I’m the one who sees the problem and immediately searches for a solution. I blame myself for any possible hurting of anyone remotely involved with me. I believe in justice in a life that’s not fair. I feel very deeply; I relate very passionately; I hope fervently. I don’t trust anything or anyone outside of myself. I hurt people… because hurting people hurt people. I am contentedly a sinner and even more happily forgiven. I know without a shadow of a doubt I am only here by grace. Over the past few days I have come to understand grace in a whole new way. I always saw grace as sort of set aside for the “real” sinners. You know the ones that people look at and say, “Wow, they need Jesus!” To limit grace like that would be doing the world an injustice. Grace is not only for the hurting, but also for those that hurt them. Grace is not only for the judged, but also for the judging. Grace is not only for the proud, but also for the humble. Grace is not only for the helpless, but also for the secure. Grace is not only for the sick, but also for the healthy. See, grace isn’t about what we give; grace is about what was given to us. How we respond to others isn’t our grace; it’s simply the overflowing of God’s grace. I have been so angry and tormented by the plastic, fake, false holiness I continually come in contact with all while being just as plastic myself. I am broken. I am afraid of what others think. I am human to my core and I lose battles with Satan every single damn day of my life. You know what, I think I’m ok with that. I don’t want to be whole. I can reach more people if I am broken. I can’t fix everything. I can’t change the world. I can change myself, and maybe just maybe I can change my corner of the world. You want to be free? You want grace? Here I am-(972)816-6710

2 comments:

Brian said...

good stuff! funny how there are continual layers of grace that unfold the further we walk into it. keep walking!

Jonathan Blundell said...

thanks for sharing! its a continual process that happens over and over every day. that's why we're reminded, "his grace is NEW EVERY morning." it doesn't just stop the day we "get saved" because we need it for the long haul.
keep wrestling!